Seismic Changes at Midlife and Beyond
10/20/10
I recently interviewed Katherine Forsythe, MSW, who works with clients to redefine and invigorate their lives – and get the zing back in relationships, intimacy, and sexuality. Her clients range in age from 55 to 105! Below is just a highlight of that interview:
Frank - Can you tell our readers what those seismic changes are, and why they are so important?
Katherine - Around 50 everything changes, and we see seismic changes. I like to think of it as THE BIG PUSH from life. In the arena of sex, intimacy, and relationships:
- Let’s look at the obvious, first! Physical changes seem to be happening at exponential speed – butts sag, breasts drop, bellies form, faces fall, eyes droop, skin dries out. In the bedroom, the changes bear looking at for the discomfort that they cause.
- Long term relationships can become boring in the bedroom - and our body image needs a good pumping up. We need to redefine how we look at sex and intimacy. The old role models just don’t work.
- Relationships change – Maybe we’re alone for the first time, or marrying for the first time - alone with death, divorce.
- Some of us are facing serious illness or disease that seem to come with age. Sex and intimacy are healers! We must learn how to incorporate them into our journey with the disease.
Then, there are the other events happening in our life. They all make an impact on our ability to be sexual and intimate.
- Parents die – you’re top of the heap. Suddenly, we are a new generation with no role models. Our parents died or retired at this point. We’re healthy, living longer, and no one has told us how to do it, especially in bed.
- Kids are gone – good news: it’s new freedom. Bad news: you miss them. Worse nightmare: Kids come home!
- We grieve over losses: Divorce, children leaving, friends retire and move away, WE start over and move away. We’re finding that Norman Rockwell family all in one place is a myth!
- Everyone seems younger than you. You notice that your doctor looks like she’s in 8th grade. It’s darn hard to ask an 8th grader about your erectile dysfunction!
In relationships, what we frequently see is 2 people looking at each other across the table, saying: who are you and why are you sitting here with me? They simply don’t know each other any more. Time to care for the relationship, and the best place to start is learning to be playfully intimate again.
Frank - How do those changes at midlife play out in the bedroom? What are the most common intimacy issues you hear from couples going through big midlife changes?
Katherine - It’s what I call the 2 “b’s” = body image and bedroom boredom. Both are based on insecurities and a model of performance from our old selves as immature 20 year olds who had NO idea what we were doing, but it sure felt good. Now, we have a choice. We don’t have to perform anymore. I tell my clients, “Its about pleasuring, not performance!” That’s a big difference from our earlier stages. It’s all in the attitude. It’s the glass half full or half empty? It’s delightful to learn that in the bedroom we can have one heck of a great time without the old pressures of youth! It allows us to relax, and experience immense sexual happiness in the second half of life.
If you would like to listen to the interview in its entirety, you can click here.
Frank M. Samson is Founder of Senior Care Authority based in Sonoma and also hosts “The Aging Boomers” on KSVY 91.3 or can be listened to live at www.ksvy.com, every Monday at 2pm PT. The company provides free assistance to families in helping them find In-Home Care, Independent and Assisted Living for their loved ones. He can be reached at 707.939.8744 or e-mailed at frank@seniorcareauthority.com. The company website is www.seniorcareauthority.com.
